I have been having anxiety nightmares off and on for the last two years and they have intensified in the last month. I am terrified of delivery. I know a lot of women are scared of labor and delivery. It's a painful process and there is so much unknown. I tried looking things up online and I am just not finding anything helpful.
First of all, I had a horrific experience last time. I went into labor early and no one encouraged me to stop labor. After 12 hours my water broke but I wouldn't dilate. Then the pitocin which no one told me would make things more painful. Then they broke my water again and all hell broke loose. It was so much pain I would have rather someone cut me open and tear the baby out. Then they took my son away and we weren't allowed to hold him. And then I didn't bond or produce much milk. My current doctor reviewed my history and shows much more competince on dealing with complications and believes things were done badly with my last delivery. In the mean time though, I have all this trauma from the first delivery. No, I have not forgotten one second of that horrible experience.
Next, I don't trust my body at all. A lot of what I read is this nonsense about "your body knows what it is doing, trust it and let it do what it knows how to do." Baloney. If I know anything from this pregnancy and the last is that my body doesn't know how to deal with pregnancy at all. After bedrest and the last delivery, I also know my body has no idea what it is doing when it comes to labor either. So, that makes two of us; my physical and mental selves. This leaves me very little confidence in labor and delivery. I do trust my doctors but I can't count on them being the ones to actually deliver me and you can't plan on what nurses you get and my poor husband remembers the same trauma from last time too so he is also none-to-confident.
I have also been told to ignore most of my contractions, so what if they finally do really kick in but by then it's too late and I deliver on my kitchen floor, or the car, or the parking lot? I am definitely getting an epidural this time but what if it doesn't take? I already know I react in funny ways to medication. What if I am too late? What if I do get an epidural but then panic when it comes to push and I can't do it? Trust me when I say I thought about all of this before getting pregnant but pushed it all aside so that we can have this second child but everything seems so eminent!
My final anxiety of the moment is "what if I go into labor before my dad comes to town?" We have an idea but it will just depend on who picks up their phone! They won't let our son into the delivery room and I can't do this without my husband. So, lets all hope my body holds off until Wednesday! That's 5 more days...